Attack on Titan-Mart
by Sadz0012
Summary: Readers discretion advised. Crack AU, inspired by a picture. Rated T for language.


**A/N: Inspired by a picture I saw on tumblr. Crack AU of Shingeki No Kyojin where they're all employees working at a store similar to Walmart. I regret everything.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show, or characters, or anything besides this story. **

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**Attack on Titan-Mart**

"I'm exhausted," Jean yawned, sitting at his station at aisle six of the cashier checkout lane, rubbing his eyes to push the sleep away, and at the same time wondering how Marco could smile so brightly this early.

"At least we aren't trainees anymore. We're cashiers, top rank for market employees," Marco tried to reason for the brighter side, making sure everything was in place when the store opened.

"At least I don't have to put any effort in anymore to look like I care. By the way, it was really noisy on the way here, know what's going on across the street?" Jean asked, trying to distract himself.

"Didn't you hear? Apparently, Titan-mart's grand opening is today."

"Huh? Titan-mart? Didn't they open up across Maria-mart and got them out of business or something?"

"Yeah, they completely destroyed it and took over."

"You think they purposely made another Titan-mart across our little Rose-mart to get us out of business?"

"Seems highly likely."

"Tsk, this is why I wanted to work at Sina-mart. It's smaller, but more stable since it's been in business way longer." Jean paused, then turned to glare at the individual who occupied the cashier before him. "You're late, asshole. How do you still have this job anyways?"

"It's the first day, no one gives a shit," Eren rebutted, throwing his bag under the counter rougher than was necessary.

"You seem to be in a down mood, what's eating at you Eren?" Marco asked, tilting his head confusedly.

"Didn't you see the piece of shit that's opening up across the street today?" Eren asked, his nostrils practically flaring.

"Yeah, Titan-mart. We were just talking about that."

"Oh, right! Don't your folks own it or something?" Jean blurted out, laughing at the disgusted face Eren made at the mention of his relatives.

"My dad owns it, my mom…" Eren stopped himself, looking away to compose himself. Instead of finishing his claim, he turned away, getting to his own work.

"What's his deal?" Jean asked no one in particular, as he opened up his cash register to count the money in it. "So anyways- what the hell are those idiots up to this time?" Jean asked, narrowing his eyes behind Marco at the said idiots – Connie and Sasha – goofing off, knowing they were eventually going to break something in the process.

"I think they're cute together. Aren't they such good friends?" Marco asked, smiling to himself at their playfulness.

"I think they're just riled up with sexual tension for one another," Jean deducted, licking the tip of his finger as he counted the stack of money in his hands.

"What makes you say that? They look like they're having a good time and are completely comfortable around one another."

"Oh, trust me, they want to fuck each other's brains out. They're just too oblivious and stupid to realize it just yet," Jean said matter-of-factly, glancing a peek back at the idiot couple, only to groan to see beyond what he could see. "And now for the lesbian show, great…"

"I heard they were having a bit of money troubles," Marco informed, as if Jean weren't discriminating their friends. He saw how protective Ymir hugged Krista and smiled, thinking that maybe one day he'd find something like that for himself if he had time to. He sighed; it'll happen when it happens, no need to force himself.

"I heard you were also kind of tight on money, how's that going for you?" Jean asked, quirking a brow and trying to seem nonchalant.

"Not really, my parents said they'd pay for my college tuition if I can show them I'm responsible living by myself away from them. That's why I need this job, since it's just enough to pay for my living expenses."

"I told you that you're more than welcome to live with me if you want, it's not a big deal," Jean expressed, his eyes softening with worry at his friend.

"That would defeat the whole purpose," Marco replied with a genuinely warm smile, before it turned a bit teasing. "Besides, what if you marry Mikasa one day and have her move in with you? I don't want to be a third wheel or anything."

"Shut up! What if she hears you?" Jean whispered harshly, a tint of a blush forming over his cheeks as he chanced a glance over his shoulder; his blush only growing at the sight of the Ackerman woman bundled up warmly in her trademark red scarf.

"How is she going to hear me? She's all the way at cashier one, while we're here at six and seven," Marco exclaimed with a roll of his eyes.

"Her long hair is so pretty today, do you think she'll mind if I compliment her on it? Maybe she'll get swooned," Jean entertained the thought, a shy smile forming over his lips at the thought.

"Don't let Eren hear you, he might just get her to cut her hair out of spite for you. You know she'll listen to him over you any day," Marco advised, dampening Jean's mood with the truth of his words.

"She'd never go for a horse face like you," Eren deadpanned. That was when Jean grabbed a fistful of Eren's collar, pulled him close so they were face-to-face, and glared at the smaller male with envy.

"That's because she's too busy looking after a troublesome shithead like you, who can't stay out of trouble for more than five minutes without a babysitter supervising your every move," Jean snapped back, and just like that, they were arguing like five year olds.

"Guys! Break it up! We're going to open up soon!" Armin proclaimed, trying to hold Eren back, while Marco went after Jean. Jean and Eren both glared at each other, holding each other's stares for a moment, before going back to their own stations sullenly.

"Be glad Levi didn't catch you both in the act," Annie commented in her monotone voice, pinning her nametag on her plaid shirt. At this, Eren and Jean visibly paled, knowing the rumors of how their manager brought up Rose-mart, along with the owner – Erwin, from nothing, to how the company is today. They were almost as big as Walmart, but still right behind Titan-mart, unfortunately.

"So as I was saying-" Jean started, but was interrupted by his best friend.

"Mikasa is coming this way," Marco stated, and Jean immediately spun around, about to pose with a charming smile, but ended up falling face first. "Dude, I was only kidding."

"I'm going to kill you," Jean groaned, getting up just in time to see the sliding doors of the store's entrance open up, a customer emerging through them care freely. "Huh? It's not time to open up yet. Who the hell is this?"

"Good morning, ladies and gentleman, and what a fine morning this is, isn't it?" the customer affirmed with a lazy grin, straightening his tailored suit over his tall built.

"I already don't like him," Eren said under his breath, resulting in Berthold having to cover up a snort by coughing.

"It's a pleasure to be making your acquaintances, all of you. I'm Mr. Beast, the manager from across the street at little ol' Titan-mart," he went on, which got Eren straightening in attention and squaring his shoulders, a new kind of disgust tossing through his chest at the man standing on the other side of the room from him.

"He's as hairy as an ape," Connie remarked, scrunching his nose in displeasure at their unwanted guest.

"Since we're kind of new around here, we're a tiny bit understaffed. I know it's rude of me to be asking this of you all, but I was wondering if any of you fine young workers would like to come work over at Titan-mart? We'll pay you double of whatever you earn here and offer you better benefits," Mr. Beast explained, the corner of his wide mouth lifted up in a knowing grin.

"Huh?" Jean asked confusedly, breaking through the silence that befell the store.

"What makes you think any of us would want to join Titan-mart-?" Connie started, his loud laughter dying as he noticed some people start to move away from their stations. First Reiner, then Annie, followed by Berthold, and surprisingly even Ymir.

"What are you doing?" Krista asked Ymir, grabbing her hand and trying to pull the girl back to her side. Ymir looked back at Krista, before kissing the top of the shorter girl's head, slowly letting go of the blonde's hand.

"I'm going to take care of you no matter what, don't worry," Ymir said earnestly, before walking over to Berthold's side.

To say everyone was shocked would be an understatement, and just as easily as Mr. Beast walked in, he was sashaying out with his new group of employees. No one said anything, no one moved from his or her position.

"He looks like his sister just betrayed him," Marco whispered with sympathy, referring to Armin who stared at the automatic sliding doors with a horror-stricken expression, as if someone punched him in the gut and he was taking an extra minute to process the shock and pain. That certain someone just had to be Annie, who everyone knew Armin dotted on since she always seemed detached and lonely from their group at most times.

"Don't you mean his girlfriend?" Jean replied, combing his fingers through his hair back.

"Why do you assume everyone is involved with one another romantically?"

"I don't think that, I think they're involved sexually," Jean shot back, picking at his teeth. "Hey, at least Berthold's with her, and I remember something about him having a crush on her or something, but was too shy to confess. Now he has a better chance than Armin at getting her."

"I'll kill them all, I'll crush Titan-mart no matter what," Eren declared under his breathe, his eyes taking on a hard edge to them.

"Hey, Sasha, do you get what's going on? I don't understand what just happened," Connie asked, holding his head in his hands as if the excessive use of it was physically hurting him.

"No idea, did they just ditch us?" Sasha questioned in return, scratching the back of her head in thought.

"What are you brats doing, standing around like statues? It's time to open up," the manager, Levi, announced as he walked out of his office. Looking around, he noticed there was a few employees less than when he arrived that morning. "Where the hell is the rest of my staff?"

"Well this first day escalated quickly, and we haven't even started working yet," Jean commented, slamming his cash register close, a resounding _cha-ching_ bouncing around the silent store as no one volunteered to answer the fuming manager.

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**A/N: Please don't ask me to continue this I don't like where I think this story is going. **


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